Friday, September 14, 2012

The Un-Baby Shower

Yesterday evening started out like any other evening. I ran downstairs to check the mail and found an assortment of  cards and invitations. This is nothing new. I am in my mid 20s. Every other weekend is spent juggling wedding and/or baby showers. 

I opened two of the pretty envelopes and sure enough, one wedding shower and one baby shower. Then came the third envelope. I pulled out the invitation and at first glance it looked like a second baby shower invitation. Then I got to really looking at the invitation. 

I had been cordially invited to an UN-BABY shower. 

A friend of mine from college is having a tubal ligation performed and is having a party beforehand. The inside reads: "join us for a celebration for sterilization". 

I was shocked.

This young woman is permanently sterilizing herself, at 25 years old. Not only is she making this choice, but she is asking us (her friends) to celebrate. 

In the radical feminist circles that I was involved with in college everyone talked about not having children. But this young woman is the first of us to make this choice permanent. Every single woman in our circle said that she was going to "break the glass ceiling" and not give in to the urging of society to settle down and have a family. 

I said it myself.  

I called her to RSVP. When I informed her that I wouldn't be attending she asked why. I told her that I could not celebrate her choice. We discussed her choice for some time. She told me that she loves her life, she wants to be able to live her life without the fear of producing a child that she does not want. She is going to be childless by choice.

She doesn't expect someone like me, who is on the "mommy-track", to understand. I have become too "brainwashed" to remember what real goals look like. 

Let me tell you, that one stung a little. 

I will be keeping her in my thoughts and prayers as the day approaches. 


  1. Brainwashed? Wow... I've always thought it was so sad when couples make decisions like this. Especially when they are so young! Thank for sharing this with the Thrive @ Home community.

    (btw, we would be delighted if you would link to one of the host blogs at the bottom of your post or in your sidebar! Thanks!)

  2. Did I really just read this?? I don't know what to say. Good for her I guess?? But if she is asking friends to support her and her choice, shouldn't she support yours which is the way of the "mommy-track"? Ugh. Good for you for not going but having the guts to call and talk to her about it.

  3. Wow, this is my first time on your blog and this post speaks tons about your character. Good for you girl for being a true friend and sharing that you can't support such a decision. I definitely don't think you're the one brainwashed here...

  4. Wow! So sad that some don't value the gift of life and family. :(
    I found you through Women Living Well and I'm your newest follower! I look forward to getting to know you better!


  5. I truely believe some women are not made to be mothers. If your friend is one of these, then good for her. But, she is very young to be making such a permanent choice and it sounds to me that she is very self centered; selfish if you will. Maybe she would not make a good mother. That said, I believe that every baby is a gift from God and should be cherished. How are we to populate the world we more of God's believers, if believers do not have children. I had three children and my first born is in His presence already. I know that children will "walk on your toes while young and walk on your heart while older" as my mother-in-law told me, but the joy of children is unspeakable.

  6. What a sad decision if she should ever change her mind to have to live with such regret. I know that at 25 I would not have wanted to have made decisions *then* that I have to live with forever...especially being so driven. That type of drive can alter our view of what is wise.

  7. So early in life to make such a huge decision. Mommy track or not, you are right to question her. Those things that we think will fill us ... well, they tend not to. Careers and freedom... they are not the same as home and family. but then again, home and family do not fully fill us either. Only God can do that.

    Anyhow, this is the first I have heard of an un baby party, but I cannot say I am shocked. Just a bit sad.

    Found you on the blog hop!

  8. Wow! I have never heard of this, and it breaks my heart! She is definitely missing out on a huge blessing from the Lord.
    Following along from Mama Moments. I'm having a Mom's link up today as well and would love for you to stop by!

  9. Wow. I have never heard of anyone having a party like that. How sad they they are choosing to reject any precious little blessings that God may have had planned for them!

    Thanks for linking up!

  10. My grandmother went through menopause at 25. I'm 28 and I've been pregnant 6 times. Only three of those have resulted in a living baby--and all six were wanted.

    I always get more than a little angry when people choose to throw away their fertility. How is it that some people despise what I (and my grandmother) work so hard to have?

  11. That is heart-breaking. Making a decision like this purely out of selfishness is going to backfire on her. Her health will be damaged by altering her hormones at such a young age and her life will be empty of anything meaningful, which she won't even be able to see until she's older. I do agree that she wouldn't make a good mother right now, but that is just because she is so completely selfish. That isn't an excuse to remain selfish- it should spur her to finally grow up. So sad. I hope your words touched her heart and made her think. She is blessed to have a friend who is willing to talk about the hard things with her!

    Thanks for linking-up to the Weekend Whatever! :-)

  12. Hi Morgan,
    Just found your blog via Homemaker by Choice. (And I happen to be your newest subscriber - so I am looking forward to getting to know you better!)
    Now, about this post. First of all, I couldn't believe my eyes, and then I was very grieved about your friend's decision. I feel strongly that she will one day regret this. I disagree that some women aren't made to be mothers. ALL women are created for this purpose. The problem is that some women believe our society's lie that children are a burden - and not a blessing, as the Scriptures tell us. My pray is that your friend will change her mind before it's too late.
    Please stop by and visit me sometime. :)
    Many blessings to you,

    1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  13. While I think 25 is a little young to make such a permanent decision, I also think is she doesn't ever want children then she should not have them. Not every woman is made to be a mother. I would rather see her not have any children, then give birth to a child that she doesn't want. I have two friends in their 50s who are childless by choice. It doesn't mean they don't love children, they adore them. It means that motherhood was not something they wanted. They don't have high powered careers nor are they single. Maybe your friend has prayed about this choice and is feeling led by God to another calling. After all Mother Theresa didn't give birth to children and yet she accomplished a lot of good in the world.

  14. I commend you for having the courage to tell your friend that you can't support her radical decision. The thirty is, some of us are just not meant to be mothers. We just don't have maternal instincts. Even though rural legations are reversible. I feel that 25 is WAY too young to submit to such a procedure. I don't know of a doctor worth their salt who would perform a tubal for someone under the age 35. I was advised by my physician to wait until age 40.

  15. Why is the decision not to have children any different from the decision to have children - why aren't you saying that 25 is too young to decide to ruin your life with children? I think you are stuck in some dominant doctrine that women have to have children. it could be argued that women who have children to 'fill their lives' are selfish - I think you should stop your judgemental rightfulness !

  16. Wow!
    The brain washing may sadly be in your friends court!
    God calls children a blessing… have we ever heard of people refusing other things they consider blessings; like maybe money or fame… uhhh… maybe I am the brainwashed one??
    You acted with much grace and conviction…. Thank you for the encouragement!

  17. Everyone is welcome to their own opinions, of course, but unless your advice is requested or an innocent will be hurt, the best practice is to keep it to yourself. My little sister (26) recently made this decision. She has never wanted children and doesn't judge those of us who do. She loves her niece's and nephews with all her heart, but recognizes that it's not the path for her and never will be. Shame on you all for judging her as selfish or self centered or childish. As women, we should stand together and support each other and our rights to make such decisions. A doctor's place is to inform her that she might regret it later on and there are plenty of legal hoops to jump through before they will even consider a young woman a candidate for sterilization. Not to mention months of waiting to see if there is the faintest hint of doubt. If you are not her doctor, support her. If you feel the need to council her as a friend, do so without judgement and with compassion and love in your heart.


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