I am terrified, what if I can’t do it?
I am afraid of not giving my children the education that they deserve. What if I forget something? What if I don’t teach them fractions? What if I forget how to diagram a sentence? What if I leave out a battle in the War of the Roses? Will they be too attached to me? What if that makes them awkward and unable to interact with other people?
Aside from these obvious questions, I have another fear: I am dyslexic. It is something that I quietly struggled with through middle school and high school. I have to read things two and three times to ensure that I read it correctly. When I write, I have to check multiple times to ensure that I didn't write anything backwards. I have to say that spell-check is a great thing for me! The little red line under my words lets me know when I am typing things incorrectly. I also had a great teacher in college who helped me to figure out ways to work with and around my “learning disability”. (I really don’t like that term!) But, nevertheless, it is still something that I struggle with. What concerns me is, will my “learning disability” impact the quality of education that I can give to my children?
I can teach in a classroom, no problem. I tutored other students when I was college. With students in the classroom, I could practice ahead of time what I was going to say, and how I was going to say it. I could rehearse in my mind how to spell things and how to say things. Plus I want to teach in the younger grades. With the younger kids it is not a big deal. You (usually) catch your mistake before they do, and even if you don't it is normally a simple fix. But what about when my children are in middle school and high school? Those were the years when my dyslexia caused the most problems. How am I supposed to teach my children Calculus when I read the problem backwards? What about Chemistry and Physics? As these thoughts raced in my mind I began to panic a little bit. I was even I was a little resentful. I was angry with God for placing this on my heart knowing my shortcomings. I mean really, how unfair is that? How am I supposed to teach my children when it takes me two or three attempts to spell a word correctly?
Then I got to thinking about it, and this might be exactly why I have dyslexia. I can understand struggling in school, and I can help children in a way that other teachers may not be able to. More so than that, I think my dyslexia may be a gift. I will not let this spirit of fear to prevent me from serving Christ in the manor that HE chose for me. Deuteronomy 6:6-7 says, “These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” My children will get to see me learn with them. They will see me succeed and they will see me fail. While I teach them spelling, they will learn a lesson in perseverance.While I teach them arithmetic they will learn a lesson patience. When I teach them about staying strong, they will have watched me work past my "learning disability" and trust in God's ability to overcome any obstacle.