These four letters come together to form a word that can be a compliment (what a fine day) or to end an argument (fine!). The actual definition of this word is: of high quality, In a satisfactory or pleasing manner; very well: (And how's the job? Oh, fine). Why am I giving a vocabulary lesson and dedicating an entire article to one word?
This word is one of my favorites. This word is my mantra.
This word is a lie.
Life on the stage of perfection is exhausting. I find myself physically worn out from trying to convince everyone that I am fine. So why do I do it? Heaven forbid someone might catch me at a moment when I am less than perfect.
Matthew 5:14 says, “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house."
My thought process for the longest time has been, "how can I be a light for the world if I am hurting and weak?" My answer to this question was to say that I can't. Everyone has to think I am perfect. To convince myself and everyone else, I use fine. This clicks me over into “performance Morgan”. This is the version of me that I put on to let the world see. This Morgan always knows the answer in class, has a spotless house, and can balance any schedule. I have an extensive vocabulary so when I resort to using the word fine, my battery is running low. I use fine because people don't ask me further questions when I use the word fine. It is just accepted. No matter how bad things are, no matter how horrible I feel, when people ask how I am… the answer is always fine.
But what does this show to the people in my life? If I hold it all together and never let anyone see my faults, my cracks, what does that show? A fake exterior. In Grace for the Good Girl, Emily P. Freeman writes about Christian women wearing masks of perfection and the danger it poses. Saying I am fine when I am not is wearing a mask.
Fine is a lie.
This is where Christian women need to stand together. We need to make it clear to one another that it is ok to not be strong.
It is ok to have flaws, it is ok to not be perfect.
It is ok to not be fine.